Lessons from (almost) a Decade of Marriage

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This month my husband and I are celebrating nine years of marriage. After almost a decade I’ve learned a few lessons. Here are some worth sharing:

  • Good marriages get better with time. When I married him I knew I’d been given a gift far beyond all I could have asked for or imagined. I had no idea how much better it would be just nine years later.
  • Marriage is complicated. Buying a house, getting a dog, having a career, an opinion or bad day will complicate it more. Adding children to the mix will toss your relationship in the blender on high and puree it until you have to drink that sucker through a straw. (But they’re the best thing that will ever happen to you. Honest.)
  • It was wise to marry my friend. Sure, he’s handsome and his touch gives me butterflies but in those times when marriage is rough our friendship is the foundation that helps us navigate to calmer waters.
  • I didn’t have a clue what I was doing when we first started out (I’m a little better now). Marriage changes as you move along and the only way to come to the end together is to… well, I really don’t know ’cause we’re not quiet there yet. I’ll keep you posted.
"Would you like me to get some of these for your wife?"

When I wanted him to bring me flowers I sent him this photo with the message, “Would you like me to get some of these for your wife?” Subtle, no?!

  • Subtle hints will get me what I want every time as long as they’re spelled out in plain English and include a photo. The flowers were beautiful! Thanks Babe!
  • When it comes to sex take the lead from Nike. Just. Do. It. (You can start reading again, Mom. The sex part is over now.)
  • Expectations will drain the life out of a marriage faster than my kid can lick the frosting off a cupcake. Be realistic and remember reality may look more like The Simpsons than Leave it to Beaver.
  • If you must move in with your in-laws, have another baby, start a new career, relocate three times and do it all in 18 months it will be hard on your marriage. Ask me how I know.
  • Marriage is a balancing act. Think – less His Needs, Her Needs, compromise, & communicate – more downhill skiing meets three legged race. Somewhere between ‘I do’ and ’til death do us part’ you’re bound to wonder what the #$@! you’ve gotten yourself into. Great relationships figure out how to enjoy the ride together.

Here’s to many more years enjoying the ride. Happy Anniversary Handsome!

(Like this post? Share it or leave a comment. I don’t mind. Really.)

Anna and The Mean Girls

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In high school there was a girl, we’ll call her Anna. I didn’t really know her and I don’t remember much except that she gave a speech during graduation week. I’d never heard her speak (at all) before. I remember wanting to stand and cheer for her when she finished speaking.

Anna was shy. She wasn’t stick thin like the popular girls and didn’t wear trendy clothes. She’s the one who got teased in gym class. The mean girls teased her because they judged what they saw. They didn’t know or understand her. They were self-absorbed, more concerned with making others laugh than the humanity of the girl they victimized. It was sickening back then and it still is today.

There aren’t many things that really get under my skin. But recently something got to me. More than once I’ve listened as a friend shared her hurt over the unkind words and actions of another. As I’ve listened the hair has bristled on the back of my neck and my stomach has turned just a little. It was like being back in high school and the mean girls were at it again.

Ladies, we have to do better! HAVE. TO. What you say about another woman (even when you think she won’t find out) matters. How you treat other women is important. How many times do we have to be taught this lesson before we understand that it’s not directed at some other woman? The lesson is for ME and YOU.

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WHEN NOT TO JUDGE
If she parents differently than you would it’s not for you to judge. You don’t live at her house with her family, have her job or walk in her shoes. She may be messing everything up or doing it all correctly but it’s not about you. Her family is hers.

Support her. Look for what’s good. Love her.
Motherhood is hard enough with out us picking at each other.

If her marriage is falling apart it’s not for you to judge. You don’t live with her husband, see what happens behind closed doors or know all the details. She may be about to make the biggest mistake of her life, maybe not.

Support her. Look for what’s good. Love her.
Marriage is hard enough with out us picking at each other.

If she doesn’t respond to your blog, text, e-mail, Facebook post, photo, or tweet it’s not for you to judge. Friend, it’s probably not about you at all. Women are busy. Let her choose how she wants to respond and be secure enough in yourself to not worry what other women think.

Support her. Look for what’s good. Love her.
Life is busy enough without us picking at each other.

If she doesn’t have the right friends, shop at the right stores, drive the right car, dress, eat, work, study, weigh, speak, serve, play, teach, vote, listen, decided, do, laugh, believe, worship, clean, or live right it’s not for you to judge. Her life isn’t about you. If you wouldn’t say it to her don’t say it about her. Let. It. Go.

Support her. Look for what’s good. Love her.
Life is hard enough without us judging each other.

WHEN TO SPEAK UP
When you become the woman who wants to love instead of judge you may find you’re also the woman others seek for advice, wisdom and help. If you’ve been asked to help do so with grace and graciousness. You’ve earned the trust of another woman, don’t belittle the gift.

HOW TO RESPOND WHEN YOU’VE BEEN HURT
It took courage for Anna to give that speech in high school. If you’re on the receiving end of gossip, judgment or nastiness learn from Anna. Have the courage to be you, just like you are. As for the mean girls take the high road and treat them how you’d want to be treated. They may never get it. That’s not for you to judge. What you do, that is yours to judge. Choose wisely.

When was the last time you caught yourself being too judgmental of another person? What steps can you take to be the woman you hope others will be toward you?

How My Mom Shaped the Way I See the World

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“If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.” My mom used have to remind me of this rule more than I would like to admit. I lived by the motto, “I’ll try being nicer if you try bring smarter,” and needed to take a long swim in the pool of humility. My sweet mom was often on the receiving end of my judgment, criticism and opinions about about life.

Looking back I’m so thankful for her listening ear and how she took the “don’t say anything” rule one step further. I can remember her asking me not to keep my mouth shut but to use it instead to edify.

“What can you find that’s good?” she would ask. Maybe she was trying to build a habit in me or maybe she just wanted me to stop complaining but her question became is gradually becoming a way of life.

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Mom and Little Jane. Two of my favorite people!

What can I find that’s good?

When we move three times in as many years…

When I come to the end of the day exhausted and feeling like a failure…

When they say, do, or act in a way I don’t like…

When the doctor says my hair is in fact falling out…

When I can’t sleep…

When the news is literally exploding with ugliness…

When home-schooling feels more like home-torturing…

When my mom is too far away…

When life just gets too hard…

What. Can. I. Find. That’s. Good?

We live in a critical, cynical world. One where bad news makes headlines and misery loves company. Learning to find what’s good is hard. Being the voice for what’s good can be uncomfortable. It may even seem impossible.

It’s taken a long time but I’m beginning to see that criticism only adds more noise to the cacophony. Criticism rarely renders results for the better. Instead it breeds frustration, resentment, bitterness and anger for the criticized but most of all for the critic.

When we seek what’s good, look for the best and point to those things that are positive in ourselves, in others and in our society we become a part of the change we desperately need. There is always something good to find. Like Waldo, it may be hiding in a chaotic mess but it’s there, on every page, if you’ll take the time to look.

I wonder, have you been extra critical recently? How did it impact you? What can you find that’s good?

Mom, thank you for having the wisdom and taking the time to teach me to do better than “not saying anything at all.”

50 Things to Love About Life

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My husband kissed me goodbye hours ago. The eldest has just declared she’s not eating that for breakfast, the youngest, he’s already had one melt down over having his diaper changed, he’s headed toward another and it’s not even 9 AM.

Someone bring me chocolate. It’s going to be one of those days.

These are the days they told me about. The days that are long in these years that are so short.

On days like today I find myself wishing for an empty house, a warm cup of coffee, a good book and hours of quiet. On days like today I struggle to be content with life just like it is, to be happy here, right – sleep deprived, diaper changing, muddy floor, dirty car, mac and cheese, sippy cup- here. I want to jump forward to a time in life where happy comes easily.

But happiness doesn’t live in someday. Contentment can be chosen, nurtured and grown. It’s like learning to read, the more you practice the better you get.

So, I challenged myself to find 50 things I love about my life right now. 50 things about my life that I adore. 50 things that make me excited to get out of bed in the morning. Things that may or may not be here when these long days are long gone.

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As I’ve practiced having eyes to see I’ve discovered just how much there is to love. The more I look for things to love about life the more I find. They’re not all deep and meaningful, some are completely superficial, but they’re things I love about the life we have right here, right now, today.

The days still grow long (sometimes even before 9 AM) but I find I’m growing into this new habit. The habit of looking inside the moment for something to enjoy. Looking for the opportunity to let life be joyful now. Sure, I look forward to the peace and quiet of someday but today I’m choosing not to let the hope for a happy tomorrow rob me of the joy to be found today.

No more plodding along and just getting through until happily ever after. I’ll live here, contentedly, happily here.

Do you find it hard to be content? What would you put on a list of 50 things you love about your life right now?

How to Take a Facebook Break

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facebook-like-or-dislike

I had no idea my little post about leaving Facebook for a bit would gain so much attention.

Maybe you’ve considered taking some time away from Facebook. Perhaps, like me, you’ve had enough of the things that annoy you and you’re considering deleting your account, never looking back and being delighted about the change.

For those considering a break here are my tips for letting go of Facebook:

  • Know why you’re leaving. During those first few days when habit will pull you back to your account it helps to know why you let it go in the first place. In my case I was mad about the stuff I didn’t like and frustrated with myself for spending too much time being annoyed by all the happenings on Facebook. Time I could have used to focus on my children, my marriage, my home and my life. I needed to let. it. go.
  • ‘Deactivate’ your account. Facebook gives you the option to delete your account permanently, deactivate it for a time or simply log out and not log in again. Deactivation is a great way to let people know that you’re not using Facebook without losing your information. When you’re ready to go back just log in again. Your profile will be waiting for you.
  • Let people know you’re leaving.  A short post that you will be gone for a while allows your friends the opportunity to find another way to connect with you.
  • Take a long break.  Taking only a few days off isn’t really long enough to know how the change will impact you. Choose a timeframe that will allow you to experience a real absence from Facebook. I suggest at least a month.
  • Log in and evaluate. After a long break from Facebook you’ll be better equipped to evaluate the impact on your life. Log back in and decide what, if any, changes you’d like to make in the way you use Facebook.

This last step was eyeopening for me. When I deactivated my account I thought Facebook and I were on the way to a break-up. When I logged in two months later I realized what I’d missed.

I missed seeing my friends bring their girls home from the DRC and the birth of another friend’s son. I missed humor and wit from so many of my friends that I connect with only on Facebook. I missed out on sharing in joys and dividing sorrows. I missed the blog about my friend and her huge family. I missed the people!

Over the next few weeks I’ll be clearing out the clutter on my Facebook account and managing the content so I stay connected in a meaningful way.

How do you manage your life on-line? What steps have you taken to ensure the interactions you have here are meaningful?

Why I deactivated my Facebook account…

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facebook

In January I deactivated my Facebook account. I’d had enough:

  • Posts about every little detail - Dear Friend, I do not need to know when you’re going to the grocery store, the gym, the park, to work and to the restroom. I’m not interested in what you eat for every meal or every single thing your child did today. Please, stop the play-by play of your life, go out and live it. Love, Me
  • Ads – I get that Facebook needs to make money but for the 100th or more time, I’m not interested in being a Sonogram Technician. Stop asking.
  • Guilt Posts – Any version of “Repost this if you love/want/have….” Ugh, excuse me while I throw something at my computer.
  • Ranting – A paragraph(s) long monolog on any subject or posts escalating into vicious debate are the Facebook equivalent of a soapbox activist and an ugly conversation at the dinner table. As a general rule, it’s best to take the conversation offline or start your own blog.

And that’s only the beginning of my list…

While each of these things annoy me about Facebook, none are the reason I deactivated my account.

I left for my children and myself.

Five years, five days, five minutes from now I want my kids to know that they are more important than anything happening on this screen. They need to know that the internet is a tool, a resource for entertainment, information, correspondence and so much more but it is not a substitute for real life and relationship.

I was spending too much time at my computer, too much time saying, “Mommy’s busy right now.” When my kids are older I’d like to see their faces not a mirror image of me with my nose stuck to my screen.

Letting go of Facebook for a time was one way to lead by example.

What do you find annoying about Facebook? Have you taken break from it or other media before? What was your experience?

Considering a Facebook break? Check out my tips on how to take one.

Where Have All The Blog Posts Gone? (A Poem)

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Oh where have all the blog posts gone?

Words lost, floating away.

In dreams I wake wondering what will become of them.

Words not quite ‘good’ enough, not enough for all to read.

Thoughtful words, happy words, unspoken, unwritten, unpublished words.

Words to change the reader never fly.

Words for the writer will suffice.

Oh where have all the blog posts gone?

Lost between the moments, alive only in memory.

Oh no more! Not silent.

Little blog sing, writer compose.

Come here, be changed, recall the words of days gone by.

Words shared with trepidation.

Oh where have all the blog posts gone?

Indeed. Where will they go?

What if he doesn’t come home? On Learning How to Un-Worry

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Photo Courtesy of MercuryNews.com

The following post is written by a Police Officer’s wife who wishes to remain anonymous.

“How do you handle your husband doing such a dangerous job? Don’t you worry about him?”

I hear these questions often when people find out my husband is a police officer. Lingering behind each one is a darker question, “What would you do if one day he didn’t come home?”

I know the question is there because it’s one I had before we became a police family. I know the question is there because it sneaks up on me every time I wash his vest, when I call and can’t reach him on the job or when he’s just a little too late getting home from work. The question is there when I stand by his side at the range and when he tells me stories about work that are beyond my comfort zone. Every now and then it’s there as I listen to him breathe before I fall asleep.

Sometimes that question doesn’t sneak up. Sometimes it looks me square in the face and forces me to give an answer, like it did that Tuesday morning.

It was almost three weeks ago when we first heard the news, Officer Kenyon Youngstrom was fatally wounded during the morning commute in Contra Costa County. The mood in our home turned somber. We watched the news and waited for details. We talked about what had happened and stayed close to one another. In our own way we processed the tragic loss of another officer. There it was again, that question, “What would you do?”

Early on I came to understand that when it comes to worrying about him I have a choice. I do not have to worry. Instead I can choose a different path.

Here is how I choose to live knowing that tomorrow could bring unspeakable tragedy. Perhaps these tips will help you in uncertain times.

Know both sides of reality and focus on the positive. Of 100,000 officers in the United States 18 will be killed in the line of duty. I choose to focus on the part where 99,982 officers are not killed. Of the 10 most dangerous jobs in the US Police Officers rank 10th after such jobs as Farmer, Sanitation Worker, Delivery Truck Driver and Roofer. When I see his work lined up alongside jobs such as these my mind is set at ease. (Source: CNN.com)

Choose to trust. I trust my husband to do his job well enough for it to be satisfying while not taking unnecessary risks.

I trust God. There are no guarantees that we will be spared from tragedy because of our faith. Still, I trust that just as God has been faithful to this point He will continue to be faithful – even in tragic circumstances.

See the risk as a gift. In addition to the possibility of death many officers are injured in the line of duty not to mention the health problems they suffer after retirement. Add to this the divorce rate among law enforcement and the impact of hypervigilance on law enforcement families and it becomes increasingly clear that death is only a portion of the risk our officers take every day. How is this a gift? When I’m faced with the possibility of losing him I live and love like each day matters. Knowing the risk helps me not take for granted the time we have. It’s a gift.

Remember that worrying only improves my ability to worry. Absolutely nothing else is made better by worrying.

The question remains, “What would I do if one day he didn’t come home?”

Honestly, I don’t know. Does anyone really know how they’ll deal with tragedy? My life would be changed in a way that I can’t even begin to imagine.

One thing is certain, in that time I want to be able to look back on our life together and see that it was full of love, laughter, adventure, family, faith, grace and so many good things. Today is the day to make happy memories. Tomorrow can worry about itself.

Are We There Yet?

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Image Credit: Gabriella Fabbri

“Are we there yet?”

To her credit my daughter waited a whole hour before uttering this infamous question at the beginning of our trip. Thirty minutes later she asked again and 10 minutes after that she asked again.

Eventually, she let it go but her question stuck with me all through our mini-vacation. How often do I find myself asking a similar question?

Haven’t we made it to the place where a midnight movie is just a movie and a bus ride doesn’t turn into an opportunity for attack? How is it that we still can’t figure out how to disagree without being nasty to each other? Must we always find some way to criticize?

Aren’t we There yet?

There, a place where people aren’t selfish. The place where we put down our rocks (or chicken sandwiches), leave our insults and biting sarcasm at the door, invite everyone to the table and learn to see others. The place where we look beyond political affiliation, gender, religion, sexuality, background, age, social class, race, diet, style and occupation. There, where we see one another beyond our differences.

I’m not naive (not completely anyway). I know that the world is a complex place, with complex issues and that it’s basically impossible for us to all hold hands and sing Happy Birthday together let alone Kum Ba Ya. But I’d like to believe that we can at least get a little closer to There.

For me getting closer means checking my critical, judgmental, pious, legalistic, self-righteous attitude at the door. Getting There means I need to offer others a chance to be known for who they are not for the label I would place on them.

That’s not easy for me. It’s easier to stay in my comfort zone. It’s easier to see the differences and gravitate toward the group where I’ll be understood, accepted and cared for. It is easier to judge from a distance than step close and love.

As our vacation came to a close I stood looking at two pictures of my daughter. One was taken when she was just shy of 6 months old. The other was taken just a few weeks ago. I turned around and somehow my baby is 5 years old. As I was helping her get ready to walk out the door I watched her giggle and chatter on about something I can’t even remember now. She’s beautiful.

When I look at her easy doesn’t cut it anymore. I cannot expect to hold her in my comfortable little bubble and have her learn to navigate the world around her with grace and integrity. Someone needs to show her how to live. Someone needs to be an example of what it means to love people. Someone needs to lead the way to There.

“Mom, are we there yet?”

“No Dear, we’re still a long way off. I know it doesn’t always seem like it but most of life isn’t about the destination. Most of life is about what you do along the way. Come with me Sweetheart. We’ll head There together.”

What does it look like for you to get a little closer to There? What do you need to set aside so you can see others with clarity?

My Biggest Parenting Struggle

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wildauerphotography.com

This post is for Janis, who asked a question I never answered. Sorry I left you hanging Friend.

Mother Nature
a Project24 Post

By nature I’m a slightly serious person. Hence the name, Intentional Jane, not Silly Jane, Goofy Jane, Crazy Jane or Wild Jane. So, when my friend Janis asked me about my biggest parenting struggle and then wrote an article about what separates a great family from a good one I cringed inside. Her article about silly families hit me hard.

Kids, little ones especially, need to have fun. Sometimes my serious nature gets in the way.

In my book, playing with Barbies is the toy equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard.

Running around the house and chasing my kids rarely occurs to me as something people actually do.

And please don’t get me started on sandboxes, grocery store merry-go-rounds, or germ infested indoor playgrounds.

What’s my biggest struggle as a parent? Serious Jane needs to get serious about having fun, loosen up and let her kids be kids. I’ve been working on it.

Here are a few of the things we’re doing to have more fun:

  • Last week I played Barbies and Polly Pocket with my daughter.
  • We had a breakfast picnic on the back patio. In. Our. PJs.
  • When it occurs to me to chase my kids… I do.
  • Sometimes we dance in the grocery store or pretend to be a train.
  • The kids went to story time at the Library in their pajamas because it’s just more fun that way.
  • This week my living room has transformed into a fort. Maybe we’ll clean it up tomorrow, maybe.
  • I say “Yes” as often as I can.

My kids are laughing more and so am I.

Janis, thanks for asking a great question and writing an inspiring post.

Help me out readers: What do you do to have more fun at your house?